- Jul 4, 2003
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The Angriest Squirrel.
Dave was the worlds angriest squirrel, he fought the other squirrels and was a menace of the small woodland on the edge of a motorway. The ree he lived in had a store of nuts, some red bull and all the crappy Linkin Park CD's including the really **** one with all the remixes and the Single with that dude Jay-Z on it. One day, Dave went for a walk in the woods, and saw a faint light in the distance, the faint light appeared to be radiating from another squirrel. The squirrel turned to face Dave and said "Look into my light and your anger shalt be removed!" After Staring into the light for a few seconds, Dave got angry and demanded to know who the **** this squirrel was and why he could tell him what to do. The Squirrel replied "I am Jesus, Saviour of the squirrels" Dave naturally intrigued and now slightly less angry spoke to this glowing squirrel, and they became friends, and this is where the REAL story begins.
Dave and Jesus were walking in the park and DAve was like "WTF" for no reason and Jesus just kinda floated along near him and he was all like "WTF" about DAves "Wtf" attitude. So Jesus says to Dave "Wtf is up with your WTF Attitude" Dave thought for a second and turned to Jesus and said "Wtf is your problem with my Wtf problem" and jesus was like "WTF" so Dave said "Wtf are you being all WTF about my WTF problem" and Jesus was like "WTF are you gettting your WTF problem so worked up abut that your taking my WTF problem adding it to your WTF problem and making a huge WTF problem out of it i men WTF is your WTF problem"
Now at the same time, the miserable toad was sat on a rock and kept hearing "WTF" coming from the woods, he wondered WTF was going on so he decided to hop into the woods to find out. However some ******* had crashed a lorry and spilt salt everywhere so the toad shrivelled up and died the second he got out of the Pond, it sucked to be him. Now back to the issue at hand.
It was the World cup Semi-final and Khazikstan was playing North Kilt Town who were substituted into the cup for Brazil at the last minute becuase FIFA president Sepp Blatter ate a Brazil Nut, and it tasted like crap so he was like WTF this team can complete no longer. So Khazikstan and North Kilt town lined up at their type-writers and begam competing furiously for a place in the Final against "Team Tango" (Former USSR) who had knocked out "Pepsi Presents new Zanzibar" the previous Third winter. as they typed fast to get into the "Fast Inscripting Fandango Association" (FIFA) one the the North Kilt town players leant over to "Quimp" on the Khazakstan team and psuhed him. The Paper cut he received needed immediate treatment and the referee brandished a Yellow card, and gave a "Free Word" to Khazikstan. The team captain decided the word would be "WTF" and he lined it up perfectly on his page which read "Im no spek Enlgish WTF i want WTF for?" and he ran and jumped into the swimming pool in the adjacent room and was sent of for Diving.
Now at this point your probably wondering where the **** is this going but dont worry, things are getting relevant now. First off, you have to understand WHY "Quimp" was sent off. The reason is that the FIFA tournament was being held in the UK and there was a water shortage and Quimp wasted some.Now that you understand that, i can get back to the MAIN story.
Marko was sat in his room quitely reading when he heard a noise downstairs. it sounded like someone breaking into his house, so he armed himself with his fake leg, and proceede dto walk down the stairs to see what the noise was about. He found a man from British Gas trying to stealth repair their boilder for free. Marko decided he woudl not stand for this ****. So he battered the Gas man to near death, and told him to leave. if he wanted a service performed he would damn well pay for it. He went back to bed and thought nothing more about it.
Meanwhile, Jesus and Dave were still arguing about the WTF problem, when suddenly Jesus got really piss off and said "FFS" Dave shocked bu this sudden turn was undeterred and decided not to stoop do Jesus' level, and camly replied "WTF was that about? i mean WTF isnt exactly real bad word, but what you said crossed the line" Jesus was like "WTF are you getting so worked up for this WTF crap has been going on for ages i mean WTF is the time, we've been out here for hours saying WTF, and WTF have we got to show for it?" Dave stood blank for a second then replied as loud as he could "WTF!!!!!?!"
Now this latest "WTF" scream was echoed by the voice in Marko's head. British gas was taking him to court for Abuse of their staff. "Im not letting them get away with this he thought, so he put on his hat and coat, tied a scarf round his neck and called the British Gas customer Service line. The voice on the other end said "Hello this is Jane from British Gas, how may i help you today?" Marko detailed Jane about his story and protested his innocence saying it was his right to pay for the service, and he could do hat he wanted in his home. However, Jane dropped a bombshell on him when she said "But Marko, youve taken out British gas price protection, and on the same day you also took out our Servce Care plan which gives you the free repairs, but seeing as you paid for the initial service, you also technically paid for that Engineer to fox your Boiler. Marko slumped to the floor in defeat, not only was he going to lose this court case on September 2nd, but he was also going to loose his manhood, becuase he was booked in for a vasectmony the next day. All he could do now was turn on the TV and watch the end of the Semi-Final. "and its time for the final ding...."
The announcer had just read over the Tannoy that the final line in each teams entry was about to occur, and as each type-writer dinged. The Adjudacator took the paper from the typewriters, and passed them to the FIFA-READER. The FIFA READER stood and analysed the two entries. Khazakstans wasnt in English, infact it was plain jibberish, but had a coherrent looking Sentence flow and punctuation. North Kilt Town while submitting a clear English Entry had forgotten a comma, and a Full stop, the READER was also worried about the constant references to Braveheart and Kilmarnock, So it was decided the match would go to a "wordedly typeout" with each team having to submit a single word to seal them the match. Khazakstan chose "Белка" and the Noth Kiltonians Chose "Kilmarnock" The pages were handed to the reader, whi immediately declared Khazakstan the winners, due to North Kilt Town breaking the rules that "wordedly typeout words cannot be copied from previous entries from the official match" North Kilt town accepted their defeat graciously and traded toner cartridges and something that resembled a shredder with Khazakstan, whose captain upon receiving the Shredder said "WTF"
Now at this point Dave and Jesus had made their way home and cought the very end of the match, Jesus sat in silence, when dave Suddenly piped up "WTF, how come the typers can say WTF on tv, and they dont complain but when is ay WTF, everyone gets all WTF about it" Jesus put his head in his hands and said "WTF is your problem he can WTF all he wants on TV hes just finished a match, and they handed him something that he didnt know WTF it was, and he said WTF, its s perfectly valid thing, cos now they are explaining and he knows WTF it is" Dave finally conceeded and said "WTF are we arguing about, i just wanted a friend and i got one.
So our story closes on a positive note, Dave has a friend, and the Squirrel saviour has a home with Digital TV so he can use BBCi to check the lottery Results, and although he didnt win the jackpot, he matched 3 numbers and won £10. The Frog died, but went to a better place, and realise he wasnt actually dead, and that this new pond was much better. "Quimp" was suspended from the FIFA tournament indefinately on suspicion he had bribed the pope to borrow some kind of all powerful dictionary which he read 15 minutes before the match. Despite this Khazakstan went on to win the cup and are now type-world-champions. Marko was sent to jail for 6 weeks and ordered to do 150 hours community service fixing gas boilers in old people's home's recent reports about him say he's being stabbed to death by disgruntled pensions at least twice a day, Police are powerless to stop it because they dont know where he actually is.
Comments please.
