You know, I've done some stupid things in my life like grabbing the lit end of a sparkler, biting a dog's tongue, jumping off a roof with an umbrella, etc, but one of the DUMBEST ass things I've done in a looong time was paying good hard earned money to see War of the ****ing Worlds.
**** it all to hell! I was never a Tom Cruise fan, but I've always respected Speilberg's work, so I thought it would even things out. WRONG.
Anyway, Tom plays some jerk off dock worker who is stuck babysitting his annoying ****ing kids while his **** of a wife goes off and parties with her rich new husband (did I mention she was knocked up with the rich new husband's yuppie spawn?)
So now Cruise is living with his damn kids he never wanted in the first place and I don't ****ing blame him. You've got some angst ridden asshole of a son who ends up stealing his car and some annoying spoiled vegan ****head of a daughter whom I really wanted to kick in the chops. Cruise is no prize either, in fact, all these characters are unlikable as hell and that's really a bad thing because we're supposed to care about them later on in the movie.
Anyhoo, poor pussy whipped emasculated Tom is stuck with his worthless kids who hate his guts, how could this day get any worse? How about a contrived alien invasion? Well this is called War of the Worlds and not Kramer verse Kramer 2 As you know this is about aliens coming down to Earth and ****ing everything up for no good reason. Supposedly, these critters have been studying earth for millions of ****ing years and for some reason choose the 21st century to start the invasion by jumping inside this huge clunky stupid looking machines, via lightening that were buried deep underground millions of years ago. Sure, that makes ****ing sense. Anyway, after some goofy lightening light show, that knocks out all electronic devices, the whole town decides to investigate a giant crater in the middle of the street. Eventually the crater gets bigger and bigger, knocking over building and swallowing cars, but do the town folk run away in terror, hell no, they stick around and investigate some more. Suddenly one of the cars that was swallowed by the sinkhole and thrown out hundreds of feet in the air and nearly lands on several people. Do the towns folk run away in terror? Hell no, they investigate some more. Then a GIANT ****ing spider leg shoots out of the hole and crushes a nearby car. Do the towns folk run away in terror? Hell no, you guessed it, they stick around and investigate some MORE. These dumb mother ****ers keep sticking around until the big giant goofy machine starts to ****ing VAPORIZE the dumb asses, but some of them had to think about it first.
Of course Cruise reminds us that he's the star of the movie because he never gets touched, despite people RIGHT BESIDE him are literally getting dusted and he manages to out run ****ing lasers and explosions like a world class olympic sprinter! Eventually he gathers up his bratty kids who hate his guts and plans on getting the **** outta Dodge.
But how can they get out when none of the cars work? That's okay, they have SUPER MINI VAN which works just fine after getting a new solonoid, but before any of us have time to figure out the logic in this revelation, the big goofy aliens suddenly appear and start blowing **** up with pretty lights and fancy explosions, in hopes of distracting us from this one of many glaring holes. Anyway, Cruise and the gang make it out while the ****ing little girl is screaming her ****ing head off! I swear that little ***** needed a kick in the jaw.
Eventually they make it to the rich stepfather's house, but before they can make themselves comfy, a plane falls on it. The entire neighborhood is destroyed except SUPER MINI VAN which doesn't even have a ****ing scratch! After some more screaming and yelling with the ****ing kids, the go off on their merry way.
They eventually make it to the ferry, but their van gets jacked by some crazy mob and now they have to walk to the ferry. They manage to get on and they're on their way to Boston until BOO! The big clunky goofy aliens show up and start blowing **** up for no good reason again! Panic ensues, people get killed, boat gets sunk, blah blah blah, but big surprise, not only is Cruise a world class sprinter, but now he's a world class swimmer as well as he drags his ****ty kids to safety. They eventually stumble upon some huge battle between the military and the aliens. One thing I couldn't help but notice was that civilians were running TO the battle site to investigate. What the **** is wrong with these people? You do NOT run TOWARD a major military engagement, but these dumb asses did. A friend of mine asked me where all the black people were, I told him that they were running AWAY offscreen since no self respecting black person would do something so stupid. Anyway, the annoying son is one of these dumbasses as he charges into the battle UNARMED just in time to get caught in a massive explosion as Cruise looks on in terror, or is it glee? One down, one to go.
So the goofy clunky machines continue killing people, but Cruise and the freaked out daughter find "safety" with some paranoid nut case. Eventually the aliens come a knockin' on the door and suddenly we're in the movie Signs as Cruise and crew narrowly escape the "evil" aliens who look like giant weird looking crickets that were sooo advanced and studied everything about us for millions of years, yet they didn't know what a bicycle was. Ookay. Paranoid dude freaks out when he sees that the aliens harvest blood and **** it all over the place to grow this weird looking vines. Cruise has to man up and kill him to save his daughter. Lot of good that did because the little **** gets captured anyway, but super Cruise manages to save her by blowing up the machine with a couple of grenades. hooray.
So now he and his ****ty daughter are walking to Boston and when they get there, they find out that all the machines have suddenly fallen down and the aliens have mysteriously died because of bacteria and ****. Your'e telling me that they studied this planet for millions of years yet they didn't see that the very atmosphere was lethal to them? Yeah, I know the original movie ended the same way, but those aliens were just passing through when they decided to invade, these aliens had MILLIONS of years to study everything about the Earth before invading. What the **** ever.
Anyway Cruise and ****ty daughter make it to the mother and the grandparents' house which was in the middle of a neighborhood that seems to have made it unscratched. Hell, it looked like his ex wife, yuppie husband and her parents looked healthy, well fed and just got out of the spa while Tom looked like he'd gone through hell and back.
Oh yeah, the dumb ****head of a son was WAITING for them there. That's right, he survived the mini nuclear explosion and actually beat Tom and his sis to Boston. sigh... at this point of the movie, I was just glad that the pain is over and was thinking about the closest way to the bus stop.
THE END.
**** it all to hell! I was never a Tom Cruise fan, but I've always respected Speilberg's work, so I thought it would even things out. WRONG.
Anyway, Tom plays some jerk off dock worker who is stuck babysitting his annoying ****ing kids while his **** of a wife goes off and parties with her rich new husband (did I mention she was knocked up with the rich new husband's yuppie spawn?)
So now Cruise is living with his damn kids he never wanted in the first place and I don't ****ing blame him. You've got some angst ridden asshole of a son who ends up stealing his car and some annoying spoiled vegan ****head of a daughter whom I really wanted to kick in the chops. Cruise is no prize either, in fact, all these characters are unlikable as hell and that's really a bad thing because we're supposed to care about them later on in the movie.
Anyhoo, poor pussy whipped emasculated Tom is stuck with his worthless kids who hate his guts, how could this day get any worse? How about a contrived alien invasion? Well this is called War of the Worlds and not Kramer verse Kramer 2 As you know this is about aliens coming down to Earth and ****ing everything up for no good reason. Supposedly, these critters have been studying earth for millions of ****ing years and for some reason choose the 21st century to start the invasion by jumping inside this huge clunky stupid looking machines, via lightening that were buried deep underground millions of years ago. Sure, that makes ****ing sense. Anyway, after some goofy lightening light show, that knocks out all electronic devices, the whole town decides to investigate a giant crater in the middle of the street. Eventually the crater gets bigger and bigger, knocking over building and swallowing cars, but do the town folk run away in terror, hell no, they stick around and investigate some more. Suddenly one of the cars that was swallowed by the sinkhole and thrown out hundreds of feet in the air and nearly lands on several people. Do the towns folk run away in terror? Hell no, they investigate some more. Then a GIANT ****ing spider leg shoots out of the hole and crushes a nearby car. Do the towns folk run away in terror? Hell no, you guessed it, they stick around and investigate some MORE. These dumb mother ****ers keep sticking around until the big giant goofy machine starts to ****ing VAPORIZE the dumb asses, but some of them had to think about it first.
Of course Cruise reminds us that he's the star of the movie because he never gets touched, despite people RIGHT BESIDE him are literally getting dusted and he manages to out run ****ing lasers and explosions like a world class olympic sprinter! Eventually he gathers up his bratty kids who hate his guts and plans on getting the **** outta Dodge.
But how can they get out when none of the cars work? That's okay, they have SUPER MINI VAN which works just fine after getting a new solonoid, but before any of us have time to figure out the logic in this revelation, the big goofy aliens suddenly appear and start blowing **** up with pretty lights and fancy explosions, in hopes of distracting us from this one of many glaring holes. Anyway, Cruise and the gang make it out while the ****ing little girl is screaming her ****ing head off! I swear that little ***** needed a kick in the jaw.
Eventually they make it to the rich stepfather's house, but before they can make themselves comfy, a plane falls on it. The entire neighborhood is destroyed except SUPER MINI VAN which doesn't even have a ****ing scratch! After some more screaming and yelling with the ****ing kids, the go off on their merry way.
They eventually make it to the ferry, but their van gets jacked by some crazy mob and now they have to walk to the ferry. They manage to get on and they're on their way to Boston until BOO! The big clunky goofy aliens show up and start blowing **** up for no good reason again! Panic ensues, people get killed, boat gets sunk, blah blah blah, but big surprise, not only is Cruise a world class sprinter, but now he's a world class swimmer as well as he drags his ****ty kids to safety. They eventually stumble upon some huge battle between the military and the aliens. One thing I couldn't help but notice was that civilians were running TO the battle site to investigate. What the **** is wrong with these people? You do NOT run TOWARD a major military engagement, but these dumb asses did. A friend of mine asked me where all the black people were, I told him that they were running AWAY offscreen since no self respecting black person would do something so stupid. Anyway, the annoying son is one of these dumbasses as he charges into the battle UNARMED just in time to get caught in a massive explosion as Cruise looks on in terror, or is it glee? One down, one to go.
So the goofy clunky machines continue killing people, but Cruise and the freaked out daughter find "safety" with some paranoid nut case. Eventually the aliens come a knockin' on the door and suddenly we're in the movie Signs as Cruise and crew narrowly escape the "evil" aliens who look like giant weird looking crickets that were sooo advanced and studied everything about us for millions of years, yet they didn't know what a bicycle was. Ookay. Paranoid dude freaks out when he sees that the aliens harvest blood and **** it all over the place to grow this weird looking vines. Cruise has to man up and kill him to save his daughter. Lot of good that did because the little **** gets captured anyway, but super Cruise manages to save her by blowing up the machine with a couple of grenades. hooray.
So now he and his ****ty daughter are walking to Boston and when they get there, they find out that all the machines have suddenly fallen down and the aliens have mysteriously died because of bacteria and ****. Your'e telling me that they studied this planet for millions of years yet they didn't see that the very atmosphere was lethal to them? Yeah, I know the original movie ended the same way, but those aliens were just passing through when they decided to invade, these aliens had MILLIONS of years to study everything about the Earth before invading. What the **** ever.
Anyway Cruise and ****ty daughter make it to the mother and the grandparents' house which was in the middle of a neighborhood that seems to have made it unscratched. Hell, it looked like his ex wife, yuppie husband and her parents looked healthy, well fed and just got out of the spa while Tom looked like he'd gone through hell and back.
Oh yeah, the dumb ****head of a son was WAITING for them there. That's right, he survived the mini nuclear explosion and actually beat Tom and his sis to Boston. sigh... at this point of the movie, I was just glad that the pain is over and was thinking about the closest way to the bus stop.
THE END.
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