Joke thread!
- Thread starter Blaminator
- Start date
what do you call two spanish firemen? hose a and hose b
what do you call two mexicans playing basketball? juan on juan
[slightly racist]
what do you say when your tv starts floating in the middle of the night?
drop it, nigger
what do you call two mexicans playing basketball? juan on juan
[slightly racist]
what do you say when your tv starts floating in the middle of the night?
drop it, nigger
Originally Posted by LOMCN Global Rules
Try to avoid txt speak, and TUPAC speak... as this only serves to aggravate other users. Wherever possible type in full formal English in order to ensure positive communication
Try to avoid txt speak, and TUPAC speak... as this only serves to aggravate other users. Wherever possible type in full formal English in order to ensure positive communication
- Mar 27, 2003
- 1,195
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1)[Racist Joke]
Recently the BBC have recieved a large number of e-mails complaining that there aren't enough black and asian people on TV.
In Response to this they have decided to show CrimWatch TWICE a week.
2)
A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.
The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.”
There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?"
3)Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" replies Watson.
"And what do you deduce from that?"
Watson ponders for a minute.
"Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"
Holmes is silent for a moment. "Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone has stolen our tent!"
4)
A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course.
One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.
His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.” The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”
5) - all of the other jokes i've said have actually been funny, whereas heres one that was voted the best joke in Germany, and therefore don't blame me!
A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say: “That's not it” and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army. The soldier picked it up, smiled and said: “That's it.”
/Miles
Recently the BBC have recieved a large number of e-mails complaining that there aren't enough black and asian people on TV.
In Response to this they have decided to show CrimWatch TWICE a week.
2)
A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.
The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.”
There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?"
3)Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" replies Watson.
"And what do you deduce from that?"
Watson ponders for a minute.
"Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"
Holmes is silent for a moment. "Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone has stolen our tent!"
4)
A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course.
One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.
His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.” The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”
5) - all of the other jokes i've said have actually been funny, whereas heres one that was voted the best joke in Germany, and therefore don't blame me!
A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say: “That's not it” and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army. The soldier picked it up, smiled and said: “That's it.”
/Miles
One day a blonde woman was attempting to cook when it went miserably wrong and she set her house on fire, she ran outside and phoned the fire brigade on her mobile:
Services: "Hello how may we help you?"
Blonde Woman: "Can i have the Fire Brigade please?"
Service: "OK, we'll put you through''
Fire Service: ''Hello, what is the problem?"
Blonde Woman: "I was cooking and left the cooker on and now my house is up in flames and i need you to come put it out"
Fire Service: "OK, Can i have your address please?"
Blonde Woman: "18 Dumbass Avenue"
Fire Service: "Thankyou, and how do we get there?"
Blonde Woman: "IN YOUR BIG RED *Insert Swear Word Here" TRUCK!"
Services: "Hello how may we help you?"
Blonde Woman: "Can i have the Fire Brigade please?"
Service: "OK, we'll put you through''
Fire Service: ''Hello, what is the problem?"
Blonde Woman: "I was cooking and left the cooker on and now my house is up in flames and i need you to come put it out"
Fire Service: "OK, Can i have your address please?"
Blonde Woman: "18 Dumbass Avenue"
Fire Service: "Thankyou, and how do we get there?"
Blonde Woman: "IN YOUR BIG RED *Insert Swear Word Here" TRUCK!"
One who has never met him before? One who has never heard him talk? One who couldn't care less about stupid fuck rappers?
wud be hard to meet him seems tho he is deadPeart said:
obviously you know of him cos u know he's a rapper lol
Why diddn't the chicken cross the road.
Because he got raped, mugged and died of flee investation.
Because he got raped, mugged and died of flee investation.
XterminatoR said:lol @ jeal
my 1 is scouser joker
-----------------------
There are 2 scousers in a bar and their both abit drunk due to alotta beers being downed by them. One of them go's outside and has a pee up the wall but while hes having that pee a vicious dog bites him and he calls for his m8, his m8 comes out not thinking wot do so he lobs a plank a wood on the dog and it kills it. wlkin by was a news reporter he wlks up to both of dem and goes "well i c whats happeneed here, 2morrows headlines -
Brave Chelsea Fan Saves Mate From Vicious Dog! - and then the guys say "Where not chelsea fans" so then the newsreporter goes "Brave Westham Fans Save Mate From VICIOUS DOG!" and they go again where not westham fans, so the newsreportert walks closer to them and goes "well what fans are you?" and they reply
"Where Liverpool fans" and in socked face the newsreporter goes "Dirty Scousers Kill Loving Family Puppy" and walks off angry :P
how about you dont use the joke i posted in last 5 jokes thread???
and dont say, ''no i just thought of it, never seen it before'' as i have people who know i posted it a while back.
YOU LOOSE
Peart said:
YO HOMEYS GET WIV ME FO SHO YO! SMACK DAT ***** UP BROTHER.
And since I wrote the rule - your right I've no idea how he spoke. I'm of the idea that he was very articulate and well spoken, however the type of idiot on this board with him and similar figures as their avatars - are not. Thus the rule was wrote as it is. Hope you understand.
--
Two computer programmers are driving on a Highway. They switch on the radio and there is a warning: Please note that a car is driving on highway 75 against the traffic. The programmer near the driver looks at him and says: One? There are hundreds of them.
--
At a recent software engineering management course in the US, the participants were given an awkward question to answer. "If you had just boarded an airliner and discovered that your team of programmers had been responsible for the flight control software how many of you would disembark immediately?"
Among the ensuing forest of raised hands, only one man sat motionless. When asked what he would do, he replied that he would be quite content to stay onboard.
With his team's software, he said, the plane was unlikely to even taxi as far as the runway, let alone take off.
--
An artist, a lawyer, and a computer scientist are discussing the merits of a mistress. The artist tells of the passion, the thrill which comes with the risk of being discovered. The lawyer warns of the difficulties. It can lead to guilt, divorce, bankruptcy. Not worth it. Too many problems. The computer scientist says "It's the best thing that's ever happened to me. My wife thinks I'm with my mistress. My mistress thinks I'm home with my wife, and I can spend all night on the computer!"
/Leo